1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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