:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
