It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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