I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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