Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
