apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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