please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
how drunk are you?
Several
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
