yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
