you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
