He had one of those small greek statue penises
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
