he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
