i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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