there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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