Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He felt like a one man threesome
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
