I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
