Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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