i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
