you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
