My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
