The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
