i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
