i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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