So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
