Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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