You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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