theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
