dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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