The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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