I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
