my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
