Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
