Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
