Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
