Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
