I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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