I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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