i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
