it hurts more in the daytime
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
