I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize