I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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