If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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