I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
