A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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