There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
