You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
