i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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