if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
