I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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