So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
