First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
