Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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