I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
