I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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