I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
