By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize